This interview is part of our children’s grief blog series, designed to help parents and educators understand different aspects of children’s grief and the various professionals who can provide support.

About Rachel McGregor

Rachel McGregor is an experienced child psychologist and behaviour analyst. She has worked with children, families, and young people for 20 years across education, disability, and private practice. Rachel is passionate about supporting parents and caregivers with tools to support their child’s development, growth, and skills. She has a special interest in parent coaching and positive behaviour. Rachel is a parent of four boys and resides on the Mornington Peninsula.

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The Essential Nature of Grief

QUESTION: Thank you so much for meeting with me today, Rachel. We really appreciate it. Well, let’s dive in, shall we? What essential understanding about children’s grief would you most want to share with parents and caregivers?

“Thanks, Karen, great question. The most important and essential understanding about grief, particularly children’s grief, is that you can’t stop it, you can’t put a plug in it, and you can’t make it go away. It is not one of those things that can be pushed past quickly. So it’s really important to understand that if there’s a death or a significant loss, children are going to grieve. It will look different for everybody, but it is a very big reality when there’s loss.”

“Probably my most important thing to say upfront: you can’t stop it, you can’t prevent it, and it’s an uncomfortable process, but it’s essential. It’s actually an essential process. We are designed to grieve. We are designed to process loss.”

I asked Rachel to speak more about why children’s grief is such an essential part of the process:

“Absolutely. The brain processes information by trying to make sense of our world. So when something’s in our world – present and there – and then suddenly gone, whether it be a person or a pet or even a place, because people grieve when they’ve moved from a place too, the brain has to process that information somehow.”

“What can happen is it can be a sudden shock, particularly for a child’s brain, to suddenly accept there’s this big change in their world. The essential part of it has a massive cognitive element – the brain is trying to make sense of the loss. And once there’s that realization that it’s final, the child’s brain needs a chance to digest that. That’s the grief process.”

“For example, I’m thinking about how in video games, the character dies and then – my kids say they respawn – and comes back to life. Or in cartoons, characters die and then come back to life straight away. So kids don’t always have an understanding of what the finality of death is. The brain can get a bit tripped up at that point.”

“We are designed to grieve. We are designed to process loss. It’s an uncomfortable process, but it’s essential.”

Rachel MCGregor

Understanding How Children Grieve

QUESTION: Could you help us understand what children’s grief looks like their lives and when it might emerge?

“Great question. You’re probably aware of the different stages we talk about with grief – the shock and anger and denial and so on. And no doubt you’ve had other people speak about that too. But I think it’s important to recognize that it can look very different.”

“It’s not so much like a ladder that we step through as much as it is a series of waves. And those waves can circle around and come back again and wash over again. From a broader grief understanding, we know that there’s a series of steps that often a person will go through, but not in a linear fashion, not in a stepped ladder fashion, but over and over. With children, it can be very similar.”

“The way it looks different with children is that it won’t come out in a consistent fashion. One moment your child is outdoors playing with sticks, and the next moment they fall into pieces. It’s not going to be in blocks of time or days at a time. It could be minute by minute, particularly with young children.”

“When you’re looking at grief and what it might look like, it can actually be a little bit disorienting for parents, because they can be looking for consistent signs – ‘my child’s grieving right now, I can see they’re grieving’ – when actually maybe they’re outside building a teepee or playing blocks, and that could also be grief and processing. It’s important to recognize it doesn’t look like adults – they’re not mini adults, they’re children. So it looks quite different.”

“One moment your child is outdoors playing with sticks, and the next moment they fall into pieces. It could be minute by minute, particularly with young children.”

Rachel Mcgregor

I asked Rachel about whether adults have learned to compartmentalize over time:

“It’s a good question. Yes and no. But in terms of development, it would be fair to say that children express grief and any emotion much the same. The way they process things isn’t necessarily going to be large blocks of time feeling a certain way – it’s more changeable.”

“Whether we’ve learned it or whether it’s just the way the adult brain works versus a child’s brain, I think both are to be considered. Concentration plays a role too – children’s concentration is a bit lower. So they’ve cried about it and talked about it, and then ‘Okay, I want to go play blocks now.’ Whereas an adult can stay in that place longer.”

“I think we have something to learn from children in that regard. There’s something about the natural way children process grief that’s really healthy for us as adults to learn. We can learn so much from that. That natural way of ‘Yeah, I’m really upset about losing my grandfather or my family member or my pet in this moment, but I want to go do that thing over there and that feels good for me’ – that looks like playing with a friend next door, that looks like whatever. We can learn from them. That’s actually healthy grief too.”

Supporting Children’s Grief Journey

QUESTION: Could you help us better understand what children need from us in that space? What do they truly need from us in grief? Maybe you could address some of the misconceptions as well.

“Exactly. I think we might have wrong or false expectations about what it should look like. And that can put parents on alarm if they think, ‘Oh my goodness, my child’s lost this person, this thing, and I don’t know if they’re coping with it.’ That’s something I’ve certainly been presented with as a child psychologist – ‘Can you check that my child’s okay?'”

“It can trigger parents’ anxiety if the way their child is handling grief and loss looks different from how they might expect. So the first thing is: expect the unexpected and accept that it’s going to look different.”

“No child should have to contain a parent – that’s too much for them to bear. Reassure your child that you have people looking after you.”

Rachel mcgregor

“In terms of what they need from us, I think a couple things come to mind. One is creating space. What that can look like is not hounding your kid with ‘How are you feeling, what’s going on, what is going on in your head.’ Children will be more likely to open up when you are relaxed, open, and present. You might just be doing something together, creating spaces where you can just be together where conversation flows more easily.”

“Create spaces where you can just be together,
where conversation flows more easily.
Children will be more likely to open up
when you are relaxed, open, and present.”

Rachel mcgregor

“You’ll know your child and what they need. That could be driving in the car, it could be in the garden, it could be laying the table for dinner – whatever you find your child is more likely to open up with. Create open spaces and be really present and be willing to let them take their time in opening up.”

“The most important thing that children need from us as parents is that openness, that safety, that non-judgmental space where they could say anything they need to say without feeling fearful of your reaction. Some kids might not open up if they fear that ‘Oh, if I say this, then my mom or dad are going to be really upset.’ It’s really important that they know we’re contained.”

“And it’s really important that they are not feeling like they have to comfort the parent in their grief. That’s where it can become traumatic. It’s really important not to lay your measure of grief on them, while simultaneously being real.”

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Balancing Your Own Grief

QUESTION: How do you navigate that fine line of being real with your emotion and modeling a healthy process with grief, and yet not loading it all on the children?

“Exactly. That’s a really fine line. Developmental stages come into that a little bit. A teenager, depending on their age – particularly mid to late teens – will be wanting to be more verbal about it potentially, or they’d be able to cope with it being verbal. Obviously the younger you go, the heavier the verbal load is for the child. So you’d be looking at not loading them up too much with a whole lot of language and heavy words.”

“I think you have to be honest about your grief by allowing your child to see that you are also affected by it without loading them up.”

“One really important tip that I’ve often advised parents: ‘Mummy’s upset,’ ‘Mummy, why are you crying?’ ‘Well, Mummy’s upset right now because someone we love has died.’ The child might be okay with that. But it’s really important for the parent to then say ‘Mummy has this person and this person and this person looking after mummy. I have people who are taking care of me.'”

“You have to reassure the child that you’ve got people looking after you. ‘So you don’t have to worry about Mummy, because I’ve got Daddy or Grandma or this friend or that friend, or if you’re in a church, a pastor.’ It’s really important you reassure the child – yeah, Mummy’s upset, but Mummy has people who take care of me. There’s a real sense that the child can be relieved.”

This really resonated with me, as someone with a big empathy heart who can remember distinct situations as a child where that reassurance didn’t happen.

“It’s a really good approach. And you’re able to do the same for any struggle that a parent’s having, whether it be a divorce or a financial struggle. It’s important to be real, but also reassure the child – the child is not the one who has to comfort the parent.”

“That’s where people run into problems, and kids can run into distress, because they’re not equipped to contain a parent in their grief – it’s too much for them to bear.”

“It’s really important moving forward that you integrate the loss into your family life. Let that be child-led, because that’s going to be important
for them to have a voice in that.”

rachel mcgregor

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Moving Forward: Final Thoughts for Families

QUESTION: Rachel, thank you so much. I’ve just got one final question. I really do appreciate your time. As we close our conversation, I just wanted to ask: what insights would you like to share with families who might be reading this while navigating their own grief journey?

“Wow. There’s so much in this, isn’t it? Such a huge topic. I guess my summary comments would be that it looks different. It looks different for every child and every person. Don’t set your expectations on how grief should look, and don’t set your expectations on what would be considered healthy grieving.”

“Of course, I should say that if your child is showing signs of anxiety and withdrawal and not eating and not sleeping, that’s when you need to go see someone and get some professional support. Be mindful that there is grief and loss, and then there’s what we call complicated grief where it moves into a different realm, and that really does require assistance from a professional. I’d say that as a sort of disclaimer on all this.”

“But I would really also say it’s really important, moving forward out of grief, that you somehow integrate the death into your family life. You have to integrate it, and that’s going to look different for each family. That might be having conversations with your family: ‘What does it look like now that this person has died? What does that look like? How can we honor them? How do we include times of remembrance?'”

“Say to your kids: ‘What would you like to do to help you remember that person? What will be helpful for you to remember them?’ Let that be child-led, because that’s going to be important for them to have a voice in that.”

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About Working with a Child Psychologist

Child psychologists like Rachel specialize in children’s grief and understanding how children’s minds work differently from adults. They can help families understand what’s normal in children’s grief responses versus when professional intervention might be needed.

As Rachel explains, much of her work involves educating parents and caregivers, as the general population often doesn’t know what to expect or how to differentiate between typical grief responses and more complicated grief that requires professional support.

If you’re considering working with a child psychologist during your family’s grief journey, expect them to help you understand your child’s unique way of processing loss and provide practical strategies for creating safe, supportive spaces for healing.

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Thank you to Rachel McGregor for sharing her time and expertise with such warmth and generosity.

Children’s grief is a journey, not a destination — and as Rachel so beautifully reminds us, it’s an essential and natural part of being human. Whether you’re a parent, caregiver, or educator, we hope this conversation has given you some reassurance and practical tools to walk alongside the children in your life through loss.

In our next interview, we sit down with Toby Daniels, a school counsellor working across both primary and secondary settings, to explore how children’s grief shows up in the classroom — and what teachers and parents can do together to help. We’d love for you to join us.

Rachel’s insights remind us that children’s grief is not something to be fixed — it’s something to be walked through, together. But what happens when that walk leads your child through the school gates? In our next conversation, we sit down with school counsellor Toby Daniel, who sees children’s grief up close every single day — and has wisdom every parent and teacher needs to hear. Read our next expert interview here.

Subscribe to get your Parent Survival Guide for Children’s Grief, based on Rachel’s and our experts’ advice and insights.

Some children’s grief resources that may help open conversations with your children or students. Endorsed by psychologists, and ‘I Can’t Believe They’re Gone’ is endorsed by the founder of the National Centre For Childhood Grief.

Children’s Grief Books – I Can’t Believe They’re Gone

I Can’t Believe They’re Gone Amazon

The Tale of the Little Black Cloud Amazon

The Tale of the Little Black Cloud – Children’s Books About Friendship