Children's Grief Resources
For families walking a child through loss
When a child is grieving, knowing what to say can feel like an impossible task.
Whether you’re a parent, grandparent, teacher, or someone else who cares for them, I’m so glad you’re here.
Below you’ll find gentle answers to common questions children (and we) ask, things to help, and where to turn for more support. Take what you need, and leave the rest.
What do you need right now?
Questions Children Ask When Someone Dies
Children ask big questions when someone dies. Sometimes they ask them out loud. Sometimes they hold them quietly inside.
The answers below are written for children, but they’re for you to read first. Borrow them. Change them. Say them in your own words.
Underneath each one, you’ll find a note for grown-ups, with what our experts had to say. These are psychologists and counsellors who work with and have worked with grieving children over many years, and I’ve quoted them directly so you’re hearing from them, not just from me. As a former teacher of this age group and mum of three, can I just say: you know your child best. Sometimes the best thing we can do as parents, caregivers and professionals is simply listen, be honest when questions come, and be kind to one another in the process.
Are they coming back?
No, they won’t be coming back.
I wish I could tell you something different.
When someone dies, it means that their body has stopped working. Their heart has stopped beating, they don’t breathe anymore, and they can’t feel pain.
It’s not like being asleep. And it’s not like going away on holiday.
When someone dies, they stay dead. As much as we wish they could, they can’t come back.
You might need to ask about this again. That’s okay. You can ask as many times as you need to.
For the grown-up
This question can come again and again. It doesn’t necessarily mean your child wasn’t listening the first time. Understanding that death is permanent can take time.
Psychologist Rachel McGregor explained something I’d never thought of:
“I’m thinking about how in video games, the character dies and then, my kids say they respawn, and comes back to life. Or in cartoons, characters die and then come back to life straight away. So kids don’t always have an understanding of what the finality of death is. The brain can get a bit tripped up at that point.”
So if your child asks on Tuesday the very same thing they asked on Sunday, they were listening. Their brain may just still be working it out.
Toby Daniel’s advice is to keep the language simple and concrete:
“For younger children, using simple language and concrete examples is most effective. I avoid euphemisms like ‘went to sleep’ or ‘went on a journey’ because these can create confusion and sometimes fear around normal activities like sleeping.”
Child Bereavement UK gives similar guidance. They recommend using clear words such as “died” and “dead”, rather than phrases such as “gone to sleep”, “passed away” or “lost”, which children may understand literally.
They also explain that children’s understanding of death develops as they grow. A young child may understand one part of what death means, but not yet fully grasp that it is permanent. This is one reason the same questions can come back.
I know “died” and “dead” can feel harsh to say out loud. They’re kinder in the long run because they help a child understand what has actually happened.
Read more at Child Bereavement UK: Explaining death and dying to children
Read more at Child Bereavement UK: Children’s understanding of death at different ages
Read the full interview with Rachel McGregor
Read the full interview with Toby Daniel
If your family has faith, you’ll find more about this in Where is my person now? below.
Will you die too? Will I?
Lots of children wonder about this after someone dies. You are not the only one.
Most people live for a very, very long time, until they’re old. The grown-ups who love you are planning to be around for a long, long time. And you have lots of people who love you and look after you.
If this question comes back, you can ask again. As many times as you need.
For the grown-up
After someone dies, it’s very common for children to start wondering whether someone else they love might die too, or whether they themselves might die.
Dianne McKissock OAM, co-founder of the National Centre for Childhood Grief, explains that for grieving children, the fear of another person they love dying can become heightened. Every goodbye can suddenly feel much bigger.
Some children may want to know where loved ones are at all times. Some may not want to go to school or may want to come home early to check that everyone is safe. A child who has lost a parent may even want to sleep close to their surviving parent to make sure they’re still breathing.
Dianne encourages us to make sure children know there are no questions they aren’t allowed to ask, and that they’ll receive truthful answers.
Child Bereavement UK gives similar guidance. When children ask, “Will I die?” or “Will you die?”, they recommend being honest that everybody dies one day, while reassuring children that most people die when they are old.
They also remind us that children may ask the same questions again and again. This doesn’t mean they weren’t listening. Repetition can be part of the way children gradually make sense of what has happened.
So we don’t need to promise, “I’m never going to die.” We can offer honest reassurance, answer the question simply, and let them know they can always come back and ask again.
Read Dianne McKissock’s article: Children’s grief and death anxiety
Read more at Child Bereavement UK: Explaining death and dying to children
Read more at Child Bereavement UK: Supporting a child who is anxious about death and dying
Why do I feel so sad?
When someone you love dies, there is a lot for your brain to make sense of.
Someone who was there is now gone. Things have changed, and your brain needs time to understand what has happened and what life will be like now.
Sadness can be part of that.
And grief isn’t only about someone dying. We can also feel sad when something important in our life is lost or changes, especially when we wish things could be the way they were before.
Whatever has changed, you don’t have to make sense of it all at once. It takes time.
For the grown-up
Sadness is a natural response to loss, but children won’t all experience or show it in the same way.
Psychologist Rachel McGregor explains what is happening underneath:
“The brain processes information by trying to make sense of our world. So when something’s in our world, present and there, and then suddenly gone… the brain has to process that information somehow.”
She goes on:
“The essential part of it has a massive cognitive element. The brain is trying to make sense of the loss. And once there’s that realisation that it’s final, the child’s brain needs a chance to digest that. That’s the grief process.”
Child Bereavement UK reminds us that children process grief differently. Some may cry or show obvious sadness, while others may become quiet, seem unchanged, or express their grief in other ways. There is no one “right” way for a child to grieve.
They also make an important point for us as grown-ups: we can’t take away a child’s sadness. What we can do is listen, give them time to grieve in their own way, and let them know that different feelings are okay.
Why do I feel so angry?
Anger can have lots of things underneath it.
It can be frustration. Something happened that you couldn’t stop and can’t change.
It can be hurt. What happened might feel unfair, and you might wish things could go back to the way they were.
And sometimes there are just lots of big feelings inside. Then out they come over something small. A lost shoe. A question at dinner. Someone taking the last biscuit. It might not really be about the biscuit at all.
Sometimes it’s more than one of these at once. Sometimes you won’t know why you’re angry. That’s okay too.
It’s okay to feel angry. You can talk about it, move your body, draw or write, or find another safe way to let some of that anger out.
You don’t have to keep it all inside.
For the grown-up
Anger can be a very normal part of grief, and sometimes what we see on the outside isn’t the whole story.
Winston’s Wish (now part of Child Bereavement UK) explains that children may feel angry at the person who died, at the unfairness of what has happened, or because things have changed. Strong feelings can also be difficult for children to put into words.
And sometimes those big feelings come out over something that seems completely unrelated.
Toby Daniel sees this in his work with children:
“A child might seem fine one moment and then have a complete meltdown over something seemingly small. That meltdown might actually be their way of processing grief, not necessarily about the immediate trigger.”
Dr Crystal Russell explains why giving those feelings somewhere to go matters:
“If children don’t express their emotions, they tend to internalise them. When emotions get internalised, they tend to manifest in other disruptive behaviours.”
So the aim isn’t to make the anger disappear or tell a child they shouldn’t feel it. Child Bereavement UK recommends letting children know that anger is understandable and okay, while helping them find safe ways to express it. This might be through talking, physical activity, writing, art, or another creative outlet.
Toby also recommends movement and exercise for processing big emotions, along with keeping familiar routines where possible. When so much has changed, knowing what happens next can help a child feel safe.
Child Bereavement UK: Supporting bereaved children and young people →
Why don't I feel anything at all?
Sometimes after something really big happens, you might not feel sad or angry at all.
You might just feel flat, or blank, or numb, like someone turned the sound down.
That can feel strange, especially when other people around you are crying and you’re not.
It doesn’t mean you didn’t love them. And it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you.
Sometimes numbness is your brain’s way of protecting you when what has happened feels too big to take in all at once.
Your feelings might come later, or they might come and go. There isn’t a right way you’re supposed to feel.
You’re not doing grief wrong.
For the grown-up
Seeing a child return to playing, or seem completely unaffected after someone has died, can be unsettling for the adults around them. But numbness, shock and periods of seemingly ordinary behaviour can all be part of grief.
Child Bereavement UK describes numbness as a normal response following a bereavement and explains that it can be a protective response when things feel like too much.
A Winston’s Wish resource, now hosted by Child Bereavement UK, describes numbness as a normal grief response.
It explains that shock and numbness can make a child feel emotionally frozen or disconnected for a time.
They also explain that for some children, it can take time for the pain to break through. So when a child honestly seems to feel “nothing”, we don’t need to make them produce a feeling they aren’t experiencing.
Psychologist Rachel McGregor also reminds us how quickly children can move between grief and ordinary childhood:
“One moment your child is outdoors playing with sticks, and the next moment they fall into pieces.”
Her point is that if we’re watching for steady, recognisable signs of grief, we may miss it. A child building a cubby, playing with blocks or simply getting on with their day may still be processing what has happened.
Her advice on being with a child who isn’t talking is beautifully simple:
“Children will be more likely to open up when you are relaxed, open, and present.”
So try not to chase them with questions. Just be nearby, doing something ordinary. In the car. In the garden. Setting the table. You’ll know where your child tends to talk.
When flatness is something more
Dr Crystal Russell includes ongoing emotional flatness, or “blank facial expressions”, among the signs worth paying attention to.
The important thing is to look at the child as a whole and notice whether you’re concerned about how they’re managing day to day. If the flatness persists, your child is withdrawing, or you’re worried about changes in their usual functioning, it’s worth seeking some professional guidance.
Read more:
Was it my fault?
Lots of children wonder this.
You might wonder if it happened because you were naughty. Or because of an argument you had. Maybe you didn’t get to say goodbye, or you remember something you said or wished for when you were cross.
Those things don’t make a person die.
Not being naughty. Not an argument. Not a thought you had. Wishing something doesn’t make it happen.
Sometimes your brain can keep going back over what happened, wondering if you could have done something differently.
If you’re carrying a thought like that, please tell a grown-up you trust. Even the bit that feels really hard to say. Especially that bit.
You don’t have to carry it on your own.
For the grown-up
Self-blame and guilt are well recognised in childhood grief, particularly in younger children.
Child Bereavement UK explains that children’s “magical thinking” can lead them to believe something they thought, said or did caused the person to die. Children may even try to compensate by being especially good, or behave badly because they feel they deserve to be punished.
Child Bereavement UK gives the same clear reassurance:
A child’s thoughts, words, arguments, wishes or ordinary childhood behaviour did not cause the person to die.
So if your child wonders whether they caused the death through an argument, a cross thought, something they said, or something they failed to do, reassure them clearly that they did not. You may need to say it more than once.
If your child was involved in some way
Some deaths happen in circumstances where a child was present or where the circumstances are more complicated than ordinary childhood “magical thinking.”
In those situations, a simple “It wasn’t your fault” may not be enough to address what the child believes happened. Listen carefully to what they think they were responsible for, without rushing to shut the conversation down, and seek appropriate professional support to help them make sense of it.
A GP, school counsellor or childhood bereavement professional is a good place to start.
Rachel McGregor raised something else that matters here. Sometimes a child who senses their parent is struggling may quietly begin to take responsibility for holding them together:
“No child should have to contain a parent, that’s too much for them to bear.”
Her advice is to be honest about your own sadness while also letting your child know that other adults are looking after you:
“Well, Mummy’s upset right now because someone we love has died.”
Then tell them who is supporting you. It might be a grandparent, a friend, another family member, your church family or a professional. What matters is that your child knows they don’t have to become the grown-up who holds everything together.
In I Can’t Believe They’re Gone, Small Mouse says it out loud: “If only I had been there, maybe things would have been different.” Bear gives her space to say what she is carrying.
Read more:
Child Bereavement UK: Children’s understanding of death at different ages
Will I always feel this sad?
No. But it might not happen the way you’re expecting.
The sadness doesn’t always shrink down to nothing and disappear. Instead, over time, there can be more room around it.
You’ll have new experiences. There’ll be birthdays and holidays and ordinary Tuesdays. There’ll be room for other feelings too, including happiness and fun.
Some days the sadness might feel small. Other days, a birthday, a song, a smell or something else that reminds you of the person who died might make it feel really big again.
That doesn’t mean you’ve gone backwards. That’s something grief can do.
You can miss someone and still have really good days. Both of those things can be true at once.
For the grown-up
Grief doesn’t usually move neatly from “very sad” to “less sad” to “all better.”
Psychologist Rachel McGregor describes it this way:
“It’s not so much like a ladder that we step through as much as it is a series of waves.”
Winston’s Wish (now part of Child Bereavement UK) uses the helpful idea often called ‘growing around grief.’ Rather than expecting grief itself to steadily become smaller, the idea is that over time a child’s life can grow around it. There can be more room for other feelings, new experiences, learning and fun, while grief remains part of their life.
“Grief doesn’t get smaller, but we grow around it.”
Toby Daniel describes those days when grief suddenly feels enormous again:
“A child might seem to be doing really well, and then something, an anniversary, a song, a smell, might trigger a wave of sadness. That’s not them going backward; that’s normal grief.”
Child Bereavement UK describes how anniversaries, birthdays and other special occasions can intensify grief. Unexpected reminders can do the same, even a long time after the death. This does not mean a child has gone backwards.
And Dr Crystal Russell offers another helpful way of thinking about where we’re heading:
“You don’t forget the loss, but you learn to live with a new reality, a different reality.”
I think all of these are kinder than simply telling a child “it gets better.” Grief doesn’t come with a deadline. Over time there can be more space for other feelings and experiences, while still missing the person who died.
When to get more help
Rachel identifies things such as anxiety, withdrawal, and ongoing changes to eating or sleeping as signs worth paying attention to. Dr Crystal similarly watches for changes that persist without improvement over time. If you’re concerned about how your child is coping or functioning day to day, it’s worth seeking professional support.
Read more:
Child Bereavement UK: How we grieve
Child Bereavement UK: Grief on anniversaries, birthdays and other special days
Is it okay to laugh and have fun again?
Yes. Completely.
Laughing doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten them. Having fun doesn’t mean you’ve stopped missing them. Being happy for an afternoon doesn’t mean you didn’t love them enough.
You don’t have to keep proving you’re sad. You’re allowed to play. You’re allowed to have fun. You’re allowed to have a break from feeling sad.
And sometimes you might find yourself smiling and crying on the very same day.
That’s okay too.
For the grown-up
Children have an amazing ability to move between grief and ordinary childhood.
Toby Daniel describes what he sees:
“What consistently amazes me is their ability to bounce between deep sadness and genuine joy in the space of minutes. This isn’t them being ‘over it’ or not taking the loss seriously. It’s actually a very healthy way of processing grief that we adults could learn from.”
Psychologist Rachel McGregor described something similar in our conversation. A child can be deeply affected by a loss and still play, laugh, build, imagine and enjoy themselves. Those moments don’t mean the grief has disappeared.
The Dougy Center, the National Grief Center for Children & Families in the United States, similarly recognises play and creative activities as important ways children express and process grief. Their resources include play, movement, drawing and other activities specifically designed to support grieving children.
Dougy Center: Resources for the Youngest Grievers
Dougy Center: Supporting Children, Teens and Young Adults
National Alliance for Children’s Grief
So when your child laughs, runs outside to play, gets excited about something or simply seems like themselves for a while, you don’t need to bring them back to their grief.
Joy and grief can exist in the same child.
This is Tiny Mouse at the roses, smiling and crying, and then laughing. He hasn’t forgotten. He’s simply making room for both.
Will I forget them?
Some memories might fade a little over time, and noticing that can feel really sad.
You might worry about forgetting what they smelled like. Or exactly how their voice sounded. Or the way they laughed.
If a little detail becomes harder to remember, it doesn’t mean you’re losing the person. And it doesn’t mean you loved them any less.
There are things you can do to help keep your memories close.
You could write down the things you remember. Keep a favourite photo somewhere special. Make a memory box. Draw pictures. Or ask other people what they remember, because they might have stories about your person that you’ve never heard before.
And you don’t have to remember everything perfectly for someone to still be an important part of your story.
For the grown-up
The fear of forgetting can be very real. A child may not simply be worried about forgetting the person. They may be frightened of losing the little details that made that person them.
Rather than deciding for a child how they should remember, psychologist Rachel McGregor encourages us to let the child lead:
“Say to your kids: ‘What would you like to do to help you remember that person? What will be helpful for you to remember them?’ Let that be child-led, because that’s going to be important for them to have a voice in that.”
The bigger task is finding ways for the person who died to remain part of family life, rather than gradually becoming someone nobody mentions.
This idea is often described in grief work as maintaining a continuing bond. Children’s Health Queensland: Understanding and navigating grief and loss explains that speaking about the person who died, including their name, personality, memories and the love shared with them, can help keep their memory alive and strengthen that continuing bond.
Grief Australia: Children and Grief resource also recommends practical ways children can remember someone who has died. These include drawing or painting, writing letters to the person, making a memory box or collage, and lighting a candle in remembrance.
Dr Crystal Russell suggests drawing pictures of the person, making memory collages, or asking your child to name three good things they remember about them.
Toby Daniel suggests lighting a candle on special dates, keeping a photo somewhere your child can see it, or continuing something the person loved doing.
There doesn’t need to be one “right” way to remember. A photograph might matter to one child. Another might want a box full of treasures. Another might want to tell the same story about Grandpa for the hundredth time.
Rachel’s advice gives us a lovely place to start:
What would help you remember them?
Then let the child show you.
Why is everyone in my family sad in a different way?
Because grief doesn’t have one shape.
Someone in your family might cry a lot. Someone else might go very quiet. Someone might get busy and not stop. Someone might get cross about small things. Someone might seem completely fine, and then not be fine at bedtime.
None of them is doing it right, and none of them is doing it wrong.
They’re all grieving. It just looks different from the outside.
And sometimes that can feel lonely or confusing. You might wonder why someone isn’t crying when you are, or why they don’t seem to feel the way you do.
It’s okay to talk about that too.
For the grown-up
One of the difficult things about family grief is that everyone can be grieving the same person and still experience and express that grief very differently.
Psychologist Rachel McGregor’s advice to parents is wonderfully simple:
“Expect the unexpected and accept that it’s going to look different.”
The Dougy Center: How to Help a Grieving Child, the National Grief Center for Children & Families in the United States, makes the same point:
“Children often grieve differently from their parents and siblings.”
One child may want to talk about the person who died, while another wants to be left alone. One might stay busy, while another withdraws. Recognising those differences, rather than expecting everyone in the family to grieve in the same way, can help children feel understood.
The Child Mind Institute: Helping Children Cope With Grief in the US also explains that children within the same family may express grief in very different ways. Personality and developmental age are just some of the things that can influence what grief looks like.
Toby Daniel sees this too. Age, developmental stage, previous experiences of loss and the circumstances around the death can all influence how a child’s grief comes out.
And he highlights what can happen when a child feels nobody around them understands:
“One of the most common challenges is when children feel isolated in their grief.”
Dr Crystal Russell puts it simply: everyone grieves differently, and there’s no one right or wrong way to do it.
It can help to name this out loud as a family:
We’re all missing the same person, but we might not feel it or show it in the same way.
This is the whole reason I wrote I Can’t Believe They’re Gone. Five members of one family, five different responses to the same loss. Wise Old Bear doesn’t try to make them grieve alike. He meets each one where they are.
How do I know if my child needs more help?
Much of what you’ll see in a grieving child can be a normal part of grief, even when it’s hard to watch.
Tears one minute and play the next. Anger over small things. The same questions again and again. Grief that comes rolling back around birthdays and anniversaries.
And sometimes, as a parent or carer, you might simply find yourself wondering, Is this okay? Does my child need more help?
You don’t have to work that out on your own.
Psychologist Rachel McGregor encourages parents to seek professional support when they’re concerned about how their child is coping:
“If your child is showing signs of anxiety and withdrawal and not eating and not sleeping, that’s when you need to go see someone and get some professional support.”
Dr Crystal Russell also talks about watching for changes that persist rather than expecting grief to look a particular way.
Some things our experts suggest paying attention to include:
ongoing anxiety or worry
pulling away from friends, family or things they usually enjoy
changes to eating or sleeping
emotional flatness that seems to persist
ongoing guilt or self-blame
changes in behaviour that continue over time or leave you concerned about how your child is coping
These things don’t automatically mean something is wrong. Grief can show itself in many different ways. They’re simply things worth noticing and, if you have questions or concerns, talking about with someone who can help.
And you don’t have to wait until you’re certain there’s a problem before asking.
If something your child says or does is worrying you, if you’re unsure whether what you’re seeing is part of grief, or if you simply want some guidance about how best to support them, it’s always okay to ask.
A healthcare professional or children’s grief support service can be a good place to start.
This page can only cover so much. Sometimes talking with someone who understands children and grief can give you reassurance, practical guidance, or help you work out what your child needs next.
There are no silly questions when it comes to supporting a grieving child.
Asking for help doesn’t mean you’re getting it wrong. Sometimes it’s simply the next way we care for them.
Read more:
Child Mind Institute: Helping Children Cope With Grief
American Academy of Pediatrics / HealthyChildren.org: Grief and Loss in Childhood
The Practical Questions
Children want to know what happens next, and so do the grown-ups looking after them.
Here are short answers to some of the big ones, along with trusted resources if you’d like to read more.
How do I tell a child that someone has died?
There’s no perfect way, and you don’t need to find one.
Tell them as soon as you can, somewhere quiet. If you can, have someone with you so you’re not doing it alone.
Let them know you have some sad news. Then say it gently and plainly: they’ve died.
You may need to say it more than once.
And it’s okay if they see you cry. You’re showing them that sad is allowed.
Read more
Child Bereavement UK: Explaining to a child that someone has died
How much should I tell them about how it happened?
Start simply.
One short, honest explanation is often enough to begin with. You don’t have to tell them everything at once.
Children may come back for more when they’re ready, sometimes straight away, sometimes days later, sometimes in the car or at bedtime.
Let their questions guide you, and let them know they can always ask.
Read more
Child Bereavement UK: Explaining to a child that someone has died
Should my child go to the funeral?
Children can be included in funerals, even when they’re very young.
What matters is helping them understand what will happen beforehand. Tell them what they might see and hear, that people may be crying or upset, and what will happen to the person’s body.
Then give them the opportunity to be involved in a way that feels right for them.
If they don’t attend, there are other ways they can be included or say goodbye, such as drawing a picture, writing something, choosing a flower or lighting a candle.
Read more
Child Bereavement UK: Explaining to a child that someone has died
Child Bereavement UK: How do I explain a funeral to a young child?
Questions About God, Heaven and Faith
These answers come from a Christian perspective, because that’s my faith and it’s where my own hope comes from.
You’re so welcome here whether you share that faith or not. Everything above stands on its own either way, and you can skip this section without missing anything you need.
But if you do find yourself wondering where God is in all of this, what the Bible says about heaven, or what faith might look like when your heart is hurting, these next questions are for you.
One thing I want to mention before we begin.
When I interviewed Dr Crystal Russell, a licensed counsellor with 28 years in the field, she spoke openly about the spiritual side of grief. For families who have faith, she explained, faith can give them a way to make sense of life and death, and it can give them hope.
She was also honest that families without faith find their way through grief too.
I appreciated that honesty.
I’m not here to tell you that faith makes grief easy. It doesn’t. And I’m certainly not going to pretend that Christians have all the answers. We don’t.
But I do believe we have Someone to bring our questions to.
That’s the heart behind this section.
I’ve tried to answer these questions gently and honestly, drawing from Scripture and the Christian hope that has held me through my own hard places.
You don’t have to have everything figured out before you come to God.
Bring the questions.
Bring the tears.
Bring the bits that don’t make sense.
He can hold those too.
Does God see me crying?
Yes. He does.
And your tears don’t frighten Him or disappoint Him.
When Jesus’ friend Lazarus died, Jesus went to be with the people who loved him. They were crying. They were hurting.
And Jesus cried too.
The Bible says simply:
“Then Jesus wept.”
John 11:35 NLT
I love that.
Jesus knew Lazarus would be raised, but He still stopped and cried with the people He loved.
So when you cry, you don’t have to hide your tears from God.
You can bring all of them to Him. The quiet ones. The angry ones. And the ones that seem like they’ll never stop.
The Bible tells us:
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted.”
Psalm 34:18 NLT
When your heart hurts, God doesn’t move away.
He comes close.
For the grown-up
Sometimes we can be so eager to give a grieving child hope that we hurry them past their sadness.
Jesus didn’t.
At Lazarus’ grave, He knew resurrection was coming. And still, He wept.
There is something deeply reassuring in that for both children and grown-ups. Christian hope doesn’t require us to pretend that death doesn’t hurt.
Your child doesn’t need to be hurried towards feeling better, and their tears aren’t evidence that they’re struggling with their faith.
Sometimes one of the most faith-filled things we can do is simply make room for sorrow and remind them that Jesus is there in it too.
Read more:
Where is my person now?
This can be such a hard question, especially because we can’t see the person we love anymore.
As Christians, we believe that death isn’t the end.
When Jesus was dying on the cross, He spoke to a man beside Him who was about to die too. Jesus told him:
“I assure you, today you will be with me in paradise.”
Luke 23:43 NLT
Jesus also told His friends that He was going ahead to prepare a place for them.
John 14:2–3
And the Bible tells us that one day God will make everything new, a place with no more dying, no more crying and no more pain.
Revelation 21:4
We don’t know exactly what heaven looks like, or how everything works there. There are lots of things God hasn’t told us yet.
But we do know something very important.
Jesus is there.
If you know that your person loved Jesus, that’s a very good thing to hold onto.
And maybe you don’t know.
If that’s you, I want you to hear this:
God loved your person even more than you do.
He knew them completely. He knew things about them that nobody else knew, every single thing, right down to the last moment.
God is completely good and completely fair, and you can trust Him with the person you love.
You don’t have to work this one out.
You can hand it to Him.
For the grown-up
Children often want far more concrete information about heaven than Scripture gives us.
What is Grandma doing right now? Can she see me? Does she know what I’m doing? What does heaven look like?
It can be tempting to fill in the gaps because we desperately want to comfort them.
We don’t need to.
There is enormous comfort in giving a child what our faith actually gives us. Not certainty about every detail, but confidence in Jesus.
When the man beside Jesus was facing death, Jesus didn’t give him a detailed description of paradise. He gave him something much more important:
“You will be with me.”
Elsewhere, Paul speaks of departing this life and being “with Christ” (Philippians 1:23). These passages give Christians real hope that death does not separate those who belong to Jesus from Him.
And our ultimate Christian hope goes even further. Scripture points towards resurrection and God’s new creation, when death, mourning, crying and pain will finally be gone.
So we can speak confidently about what Scripture actually tells us, while being comfortable saying we don’t know about the things it doesn’t.
If you don’t know where the person who died stood with God, please don’t let anyone press you into a certainty you don’t have. And don’t feel that you need to hand your child a frightening certainty either.
God knew that person completely. He is good. He is just. There are things we simply don’t know, and it’s okay to leave those things with Him.
If this question is weighing heavily on you or your child, it may be something to sit with gently with a trusted minister, chaplain or pastoral leader.
Read more
Bible Gateway: Luke 23:43, John 14:2–3, Philippians 1:23 and Revelation 21:4
Focus on the Family: Talking to Children About the Death of a Relative
Why didn't God stop it when I prayed?
I wish there were an easy answer to this one.
There isn’t.
Sometimes we pray and something wonderful happens. Someone gets better. Help comes. The thing we were frightened of doesn’t happen.
And sometimes we pray with everything inside us, and the person we love still dies.
That can hurt terribly.
You might wonder whether God heard you.
He did.
You might wonder whether you prayed the wrong words.
You didn’t.
You might even wonder whether God really cared.
He did. He does.
There’s a story in the Bible that I think helps us here.
When Lazarus died, his sister Martha said to Jesus:
“Lord, if only you had been here, my brother would not have died.”
John 11:21 NLT
Jesus didn’t tell her off for saying it.
Later, when Lazarus’ sister Mary came to Jesus crying, Jesus saw her tears and the tears of the people around her.
And Jesus wept too.
They were allowed to bring their sadness and their questions right to Him.
You are too.
I can’t tell you why God didn’t stop what happened to your person.
But I can tell you this:
You can bring that question to Jesus.
You don’t have to understand everything to come close to Him.
Sometimes in life, we won’t ever get the answers we’re looking for.
But even when we don’t understand, God can meet us there.
The Bible talks about a peace that is bigger than our understanding:
“Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand.”
Philippians 4:7 NLT
You can keep bringing God your questions, your sadness, your disappointment and your prayers.
He isn’t frightened by any of them.
For the grown-up
This may be one of the hardest questions a grieving child can ask, partly because you may be asking it too.
You don’t need to defend God to your child.
And you don’t need to find a reason for something when you don’t have one.
Martha brought Jesus the truth of what she was feeling:
If You had been here…
Jesus allowed her to say it.
Scripture gives us many other examples of people bringing their confusion, disappointment and grief directly to God. The Psalms are full of questions such as How long? and Why? Even Jesus prayed in anguish.
There can be enormous safety for a child in hearing a grown-up say:
I don’t understand either. But I believe God hears us, and we can keep bringing our questions to Him.
Be especially careful of explanations that place the burden back onto the child. A child who prayed desperately for someone they loved doesn’t need to be left wondering whether they didn’t pray hard enough, use the right words, or have enough faith.
Sometimes the most honest Christian answer really is:
I don’t know why.
And then we stay with them there.
Faith doesn’t require us to pretend that something doesn’t hurt. Nor does it require us to have an explanation for everything that happens.
We can grieve.
We can ask.
We can wonder.
And we can keep bringing all of it to God.
Read more
John 11:21–35 NLT: Martha, Mary and Jesus at Lazarus’ death
Philippians 4:6–7 NLT: God’s peace beyond our understanding
Focus on the Family: Trusting God When He Doesn’t Answer Your Prayers
Focus on the Family: How to Talk with Young Children About Death
Christian Research Institute: How Unanswered Prayer Grows Faith, Hope, and Love
Is it okay to be angry at God?
Yes.
You can tell God when you’re angry.
You can tell Him something feels unfair. You can tell Him you don’t understand.
You can even tell Him you’re angry with Him.
God already knows what’s inside your heart, so you don’t have to pretend with Him.
And God won’t stop loving you because you’re angry with Him.
People in the Bible didn’t pretend either.
They asked God things like:
“O LORD, how long will you forget me?”
Psalm 13:1 NLT
They cried. They complained. They asked why. Sometimes they told God exactly how hurt and confused they were.
Those prayers have a name:
Lament.
Lament is what happens when we bring our pain to God instead of hiding it from Him.
So if you’re angry, you can talk to Him.
You might say:
“God, I’m angry. I don’t understand why this happened. I miss them. Please stay close to me while I hurt.”
You don’t have to make your prayer sound nice.
You can just tell Him what is true.
For the grown-up
Children sometimes need permission to discover that God is big enough for their difficult emotions.
Anger, disappointment and questions don’t need to be corrected out of them before they can come to God.
Scripture gives us an entire language for bringing pain into His presence. The Psalms contain cries of grief, confusion, protest and trust, sometimes all in the same prayer.
Psalm 13 is a beautiful example. David begins with “How long, O LORD?” and brings his anguish openly before God.
For a grieving child, knowing that these words are actually in the Bible can be wonderfully freeing.
Rather than teaching a child to tidy up their feelings before they pray, we can teach them that prayer is one of the safest places to tell the truth.
Read more
Psalm 13 NLT: A prayer of lament and trust
Psalm 22 NLT: Bringing anguish and questions to God
Focus on the Family: Walking Through Grief With Your Child
Focus on the Family: Grief and Loss, Knowing When Kids Need to Talk
Can I talk to them in heaven?
You might really want to.
There may be things you wish you’d said.
Something funny that happened today.
Something you’re proud of.
Or maybe you just want to say:
I miss you.
The Bible doesn’t tell us whether people in heaven can hear us when we talk to them.
But it does tell us that we can always talk to God.
So when you’re missing your person, you can tell God everything you wish you could tell them.
“God, I wish I could tell Grandpa what happened today.”
“God, I really miss Mum.”
“God, there’s something I wish I’d said before they died.”
You can tell Him all of it.
And if you don’t have any words at all, that’s okay too.
God knows.
He is with you.
And He can hold the things your heart doesn’t know how to say.
For the grown-up
A child asking this question may not be asking for a theological explanation. Often, they’re simply saying, I still have things I want to tell them.
We can honour that longing without making promises Scripture doesn’t make.
The Bible doesn’t clearly tell us whether those in heaven can hear us speaking to them, so we don’t need to give a child certainty where Scripture doesn’t.
Instead, we can gently point them towards what we do know.
God hears them.
Help them bring those things to Him. They might say them aloud, write them in a journal, draw a picture, or simply tell God that they’re missing their person today.
The goal isn’t to shut down the child’s desire for connection.
It’s to gently point them towards the One who is still here, still listening, and able to hold everything they’re carrying.
Read more
Psalm 139:1–4 NLT: God knows us and our words
Psalm 34:18 NLT: God is close to the brokenhearted
Faith in Kids: Supporting a Grieving Child
Focus on the Family Australia: When a Loved One Dies, Understanding Grief in Children
Eternal Perspective Ministries: Resources on Heaven and Grief for Children
Free Downloads for Your Family
The Parent Survival Guide to Children’s Grief
Everything our three experts shared, gathered into one place.
Understanding your child’s grief, practical ways to help, looking after yourself, and summary cards you can stick on the fridge.
No spam. Just a bit of support when you need it.
The Experts We Spoke To
Much of what you’ll find on this page grew out of our Interview with an Expert Series.
I sat down with three professionals who work closely with grieving children and asked them the questions parents actually want answered.
As we’ve explored those questions, I’ve also included guidance from trusted children’s grief organisations and other professional resources from around the world. And in the faith section, I’ve drawn from Scripture and reputable Christian resources too.
If you’d like to hear more from the three professionals I interviewed, you can read their full conversations here.
Rachel McGregor, psychologist and behaviour analyst. Twenty years across education, disability and private practice. Based on the Mornington Peninsula, and online for families anywhere in Australia.
Understanding Children’s Grief: A Conversation with Rachel McGregor
Toby Daniel, primary school counsellor and secondary teacher at Flinders Christian Community College.
Children’s Grief at School: A Conversation with School Counsellor Toby Daniel
Dr Crystal Russell, LPC, licensed professional counsellor and supervisor with 28 years in the field, working online with families around the world.
Children’s Grief Counseling: A Conversation with Licensed Counselor Dr Crystal Russell
Books That Might Help
Sometimes the right book opens a conversation that words alone can’t.
When someone has died
I Can’t Believe They’re Gone is the story of a mouse family, all grieving differently, and the wise old bear who helps each of them understand that their feelings are allowed. Ages 4 to 8. Now in five languages.
“I can imagine many parents, teachers and others who care, facilitating invaluable individual and family discussions as they hold this precious book in their hands.”
Dianne McKissock OAM
Co-founder, Bereavement Care; Co-founder and Patron, National Centre for Childhood Grief (NCCG)
Disclaimer: This endorsement is offered in a professional capacity and relates to this book only. It does not necessarily imply endorsement of the author’s personal beliefs, worldview, or other content.
I Can’t Believe They’re Gone: Faith Edition is the same much-loved story, with Scripture gently woven throughout, four simple prayers, a special blessing, and Christian hope for some of the big questions grief can bring.
I Can’t Believe They’re Gone: Toddler Edition is a simpler version for the littlest ones.
The Workbook has gentle activities to work through together, at your child’s own pace.
When big feelings won’t lift
The Tale of the Little Black Cloud is for a child carrying something heavy they can’t explain. It’s about friendship, and what happens when someone stays.
“A beautiful and touching story showing how pain eases when we share our sadness with others and honour our tears.”
Vanessa Rankcom, Clinical Psychologist
When it’s time to live again
Angie Loves to Dance was inspired by my dear friend Angie, who lived life wholly and fully while she was here.Sometimes the most healing thing a grieving child can read isn’t a book about grief at all.
Where to Get More Support
A book and a website can only do so much.
Sometimes you need a real person, and that’s okay.
These organisations know children’s grief well. Their websites are full of helpful information and resources, and many can also help you find someone to talk to.
Australia
A Friend’s Place, National Centre for Childhood Grief
Children and young people can contact them directly, any time.
United Kingdom
Now one unified charity with Winston’s Wish.
United States
Dougy Center, The National Grief Center for Children & Families
National Alliance for Children’s Grief
New Zealand
Canada
If you’re somewhere else, a healthcare professional, your child’s school or a local children’s bereavement service can be a good place to start.
Links last checked October 2026.
For Chaplains, Counsellors, Schools and Bereavement Services
If you walk alongside grieving children in your work, please use this page and share it freely. That’s what it’s here for.
“Being able to have a copy of I Can’t Believe They’re Gone as part of my resource library enables me to leave behind a tangible presence of hope and care.”
Rev Jim Jung
Senior Police Chaplain, Victoria Police
Bulk copies of all titles are available. Get in touch
A gentle note: I’m a children’s author and former teacher, not a counsellor or psychologist. This page shares general information, the wisdom of the professionals I’ve interviewed, and carefully selected resources from organisations working in children’s grief and bereavement. It isn’t a substitute for professional advice.
Every child and every family is different. If you’re worried about your child, or simply have questions about how they’re coping, please speak with a healthcare professional or children’s grief support service.
Links to other organisations are provided as helpful further resources. Their content belongs to them and may change over time.
You are not alone.
Karen x
