When all around is hard ground

This week, I felt to share a number of posts that have been sitting in my draft pile for weeks/months. I had a sense that this might speak to and encourage others who are walking through pain in this season. Be encouraged precious ones, you are not alone. xxxxx

Have you ever felt like the world and it’s problems are too much to handle?

That the people around are full of judgement, criticism, lectures and religion?

Are you aware that God is allowing something to be stirred within and for weeks you’ve been walking through the sludge, wondering what on earth is going on? Wondering when something was going to shift, cause emotionally something needs to shift.

This has been a part of my life these past few months…

I woke one morning in tears, realising that my heart felt bitter, offended, angry and upset. I felt disappointment and grief in circumstance, in friendships and in life….where has my lightly freely existence I had walked only weeks before gone, I wondered.

I felt far from God, far from His safety, far from wanting to connect – and this it turns out this was the key.

After sharing with a safe friend, I realised that I felt angry at God. At it’s base, anger can be an expression of inner sadness.

I had been through an intense traumatic event where I felt unprotected and violated by another’s words. God’s representative didn’t step in to shut it down, which left me in this wilderness space and with an open gaping wound. Questioning why and feeling like something had hurt on a much deeper level, more than I was able to articulate.

Not wanting to accuse God, but also feeling so angry about what had happened – in that one event, which as it turns out connected to many events throughout life. This felt far bigger than one circumstance. It felt there was a pattern which the dots had finally connected. Tipping me into overwhelm and confusion and wondering how on earth I was to move forward with this.

This spilled over into various areas of my life and I found myself being triggered all over the place.

FYI: Triggered – when someone or something causes you to response internally or externally more deeply than what is called for. ie. connecting with something deeper within. A space where you feel something rise up and you respond more intensely than what is called for.

A friend who is also an hsp wisely suggested to me that I was in a state of overwhelm. Hyper sensitive,  hyper alert,  hyper anxious,  hyper reactive mode…some of these definitely resonated.

What was I to do in this space? How could I move on when I felt so raw.

It was during this time I realised that there were a few things going on and it connected with the season theme of learning.

One where God is teaching me more about being self aware about what is triggering me and stopping long enough to reflect with Him about the roots of it.

You see, He loves me too much to leave me in this orphan depleted state – He designed me for MORE. He wants my brokenness healed fully, not that I am to go looking for it, but I am to be aware of what is happening internally in me – with Him.

It is my choice to partner with Him in this healing journey. Choosing to partner with Him for the MORE rather than remain in intense pain and grief without hope. I had to come to a place of being willing to have exposed parts of my heart revealed. And this required me to reflect upon painful moments in time.

And to be honest, it sometimes didn’t feel good. It was downright scary. It made me want to run away. I found myself hiding in distractions for weeks – and they brought no relief – only helped pass time. The pain remained.

It was when I felt my heart literally becoming more bitter and hardened that I finally broke. I hated what my heart looked and felt like. It was ugly and I began to understand just how imperfect I can be at times.  Humbled much……yep!

So I reached my end point, where my capacity to deal ended….the intensity of feeling far from God and so embittered by health, exhaustion, emotional stripping and sleeplessness – I bravely called a friend and asked her advice on where to go from here.

I knew I didn’t want to remain in that space, it felt so pointless, so fractured and so lonely. I missed God, but felt guilt about my anger towards His seemingly lack of protection of my heart.

It was a right pickle.

My precious and wise friend reassured me that I was probably angry at God and that this was a positive thing. This baffled me initially. How can being angry at God be good???

“He’s bringing things up in order to heal them Karen.”

Oh…..that sheds a new light to this horrible state….this pain has purpose!?!!!!

My heart welcomed in the shard of hope she invested in me.

And I decided to stop hiding and start journaling it all.

I hadn’t wanted to share everything with God because the intensity of emotion was so great that I felt I might hurt Him or say something without a filter. That I’d let him down by being another person, who was dissatisfied with the outcomes of life. I didn’t want to be that kind of person….and yet here I was.

Thankfully those fears were alleviated quickly as I turned back towards Him and began to be very real with what was going on. He is SUCH A LOVING FATHER to me. xxxxx

I sketched how I felt and He revealed Sadness and Anger were the 2 main struggles of the time.

I still felt disconnected emotionally from God, so I asked Him – where are You in my pain?

He had me sketch a beautiful picture…I felt Him say, “I hold you in warm embrace.”

 

At this point, I felt His embrace physically. It felt like those times when you’ve been hurt and your Dad comes along and gives you a great big hug and things feel better…or when your Mum listens and tends to your wounds. The power of community done God’s way.

The past few weeks, I’ve had so few soft places to land in my pain. I’ve been judged, lectured and told to toughen up. They’ve come from people who haven’t had capacity to be tender or caring – they too have been stretched…but their responses added to my pain.

And yet……

God’s response was more loving than I could ever have imagined.

His sweet embrace.

No words required in that place.

It was a true delight and healing to my heart.

As I reflect upon that time and even now feel His arms around me, supporting, loving me – being a safe and present Father for me. I feel thankful.

“Just be held little one, I am here for you always.

I see your pain, I’ve walked with you in it. 

I’ve wanted to take it from you, but my desire to love you through it has greater benefits for you, so I’ve given you what you’ve needed amidst it.

I’ve shown you signs to lead you back to me within it.

I’ve held you close, even when you’ve been unaware of it and I’ve seen you’ve wanted to pull away and remain close at the same time. 

I have been present my child, an ever present help in time of need.

I’m so proud of you for having come to me with your heart and your hurt. I long to tend to you, bind up your wounds and sometimes just simply weep with you.

Coming to me always improves whatever you are walking through.

I can handle your emotion.

I’m not scared off by your anger.

I love that you trusted me enough to come and share with me what you are feeling.

You have laid it all out on the table and as a result, you are feeling better having shared it with me.

Let me take those burdens, those troubles that are too hard to bear.

I never designed you to carry it all by yourself.

You’ve been telling yourself that to come to me will bring more to your plate, instead of less – and you’ve seen this morning how much of a lie that is!

Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest…

My precious daughter, the world and it’s evil ways at times will inflict pain and trauma upon you – but take heart my child…..I have overcome the world.

So no matter what is slung at you, it will not stick….as you walk with me, you are Teflon coated. 

Your expectations and disappointments of people and things subside as you dwell with me. Your sights are adjusted just a few degrees to the left or right and as such, you begin to see it through My eyes. This is a far more life giving way to view your world.

Let me lift from you all those things that have embittered you and endeavoured to harden your heart. Let me take the heaviness of them from you and exchange it with my peace.

Rest.

Rest.

Rest with me my beloved, knowing all the while that this short season of pain is producing something so wonderful in you, that you will not regret having walked through it – when looking back. 

Ask Me what I am achieving in you in this season and I will answer you.”

 

So today, I’m choosing to say, Lord, I forgive you for not stopping what happened. I have been angry at this and holding you responsible for the evil acts of others. I’m sorry for this. Please forgive me. Thankyou for drawing me near, even when I’m a mess.

I choose today to forgive myself as well.

Lord, help me to prioritise coming to you every moment, but especially when I don’t feel like it. I’ve found freedom in sharing my cares with you. And to be honest, I don’t know why I didn’t come here sooner. Thankyou for being a constant, for Your patience with me, for never adding to my problems, but helping to sift them – so that I am only carry what is mine. Lord I recognise that healing sometimes takes time, so I ask that the time in productive pain would be not one minute longer than is necessary. Thankyou for the tools you teaching me for healing and the sources of pain. Bless the reader with a greater awareness of You in their life today.

In Jesus beautiful name, amen.