I just returned from my first visit to see a Clinical Social Worker. My inner world crashed in this crazy paced season and I needed to chat to someone who could help me work it all out.
I have just left that space and I’m not fully convinced that it’s going to be “the” answer.
You see, for years, I have spent time with God – bringing Him my troubles and the scene would look something like this.
I would sit in His presence and become more aware of Him, than anything else around me.
Father, what is it that you want to work on today?
A picture, a word or scene would jump out.
I would ask Jesus where He was in that place, during that time.
For example, one of the trauma’s I encountered was a high school memory….uch….insert shudder….high school memories…. lol.
I would travel to school via the bus for half an hour every morning and the same coming home. For the first few years of my schooling, a young guy – we’ll call him Fester would talk to me and then often reach out to touch me in inappropriate and upsetting ways. I did not want this to happen on any level-of course! But he was a large, heavy kid and there was no way to prevent it.
Wherever I sat, he would not be far from me.
It left me with damage inside, about my worth, about my ability to have a voice and much more.
Jesus showed himself to me within this scene.
His face, forlorn, as he stood beside me – looking upon me with absolute love, acceptance and care. He heart ached at what was happening. He was there all along, beside me.
He asked me whether I could tell him about what it was like, when this happened to me. What it felt like?
I responded with the appropriate emotions. Fear, humiliation etc.
Would you allow me to carry those for you?
Of course…..so one by one I would hand each one to him.
He placed them in a bucket this time.
Jesus then asked me, do you think you can forgive him?
Yes, I stammered out. Of course I didn’t want to hold onto this stuff any more.
So I forgave him.
I then asked Jesus to get rid of the all of the heavy emotions and roots that had entwined themselves within me to create trauma residue or damage.
I watched as Jesus would burn up the emotions, bucket and all that I had given him.
I felt the release of handing over those things to him.
I felt the contentment of seeing those dealt with.
I felt His peace and loving embrace at every stage of this process.
I never once feared or felt pained at doing any of it, because I trust God….He has never let me down.
After resting for a while in Holy Spirit’s peace, he filled the spaces and places that had only moments ago looked to drag me down. I felt free. I was free.
Jesus then asked me, would you pray a prayer of blessing over him?
As I did, I became aware of his actual name. It was a clear memory. As I prayed for his current relationship, his family, his future. I released him from the darkness of having overstepped personal boundaries and inflicting them upon me. I felt excited for his future and felt nothing but love for him.
My quandry is this, in this moment.
If God deals with our trauma and trouble in this way, why would I go and speak to someone who perceives healing like this.
To deal with trauma, you need to take off the bandage, expose the wound, clean out the wound, stitch it up. Scar will be seen, but no residue of disease will be afflicting you anymore.
What does God want me to do?
The former is gentle and tender, usually quite painless and a delight to deal with.
The latter, seems harsh, painful and potentially grievous before the final healing takes place.
I am unsure about whether this is the process that is needed, but I do know that God didn’t say no to me about going.
She is a lovely person, warm, friendly and helpful. She had some really wise words of advice for me about things I can do in my current place.
BUT…..as I’ve have had these experiences with God, human answers and processes seem empty somewhat?
Watch this space, we meet again next Wednesday. I pray that God will open up the things that He wants to deal with in this space. I pray that He would protect me from anything that is not of Him or His timing.I trust that God knows the hour and the day when my full healing with come – and in what fashion.
I choose today to not give up.
I choose today to have hope in what is to come.
I choose today Father, to trust you with all of my feelings and thoughts. I release the heaviness to you and pick up your joy within the day.